He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
