The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize