So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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