help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
