I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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