I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
