He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
