So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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