apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
