You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
