someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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