I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
