the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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