theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
