I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
