matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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