dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
