if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
