suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
