My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
