Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
