another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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