SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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