so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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