Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize