And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
