my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
