Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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