just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
