I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I smell stomach acid.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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