Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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