onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Drunk is a universal language darling
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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