I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
