I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
