Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
