I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I CAN MOONWALK!
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
