Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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