i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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