It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
