Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
