you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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