Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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