im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
