just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
