I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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