I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
