it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
