Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
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