I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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