Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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