i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
