I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
