Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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