Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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