After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
