note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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