Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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