Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
