after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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