now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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