Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We're too hungover to prance.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
