Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
